sophieloca

Easter obstacle

2007-04-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, I admit it - Easter was a heavy blow because I had just bought one thing on purpose but that thing was made of genuine Swiss chocolate and almonds. And as tis was a really good one, I wanted to have a piece of it, too. And a piece of the home made almond Easter cake. Okay, okay, all the sweets have been eaten, and now it's back to normal, with lots of hard boiled eggs and Russian recipes to try. The first one - okroshka - turned out pretty okay, for the rest I'm feasting on cole slaw and herring, and eggs of course. I decided to become a bit more frugal cutting carbs and concentrate more on eggs and fish, not as much meat. It really is a visible part of the budget, and for a month or so I want to see if my eating less will make a difference.

resolution

2007-03-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, I need resolution. And I made one.
When travelling, I will not go to big lengths to stay low carb, I'll see what is around but I'll keep a low profile. Right now the feelings of my hosts are more important than my adhereing to a "religion", and I'm sure that being basically true to the low carb rules are okay even if there might be a week in Ukraine where things just go different. Or a week end in Germany.
When I'm home, or travelling with my family, things are fine. And that is most of the time.
So, this is just some small exception. And I write it down here in order to avoid unnecessary complications, feeling guilty or whatever.
Okay, done! Anyway they might have some great meat dishes in Ukraine... :-)

On the wagon again

2007-03-07T07:37:00.000-08:00

Woo-hoo, I'm back... hopefully back on track, hopefully for long. I really fell off the wagon big time and hated it more and more, after some time of indulging. I spent a week in germany early November, and said to me "what the heck... thsoe delicious German rolls... it will just be a week". Turned out, it wasn't. After I got home again, it was "oh, just this last one xx", and after some more time, "anyway, I let it all go and turn to waste... what's the use...", and frustration building up. Okay, digging into the chocolate felt good, like no limits, no dos and don'ts, a kind of rebellious freedom and independence. As long as the clothes still fit. The thing was, after some time they only fit pretty tightly. I still can wear my old jeans but there's practically no space anymore, whereas I was so proud that they were rather loose on me. Hm. And eating lots of chocolate just felt "normal" after some time, not liberating but rather... like a stubborn child. I gotta have this even if it's not good for me, who cares. All this contributed to my feeling less than great during the pst weeks/months, and with lent coming along and all the stories they made about it here (for the children) I thought that it might not be a bad idea to fast on carbs instead of feasting. And since I'm back from Germany (another trip) and home again, I think I'm back on track. I started eating really low carb again on Sunday (came back Saturday). Just some days now, okay, but the fact that Huub said he'd join me, just for a week, was pretty encouraging! So we're in this together, at least this week. I should be back in the routine well enough after that, but you never know...
So I guess it's not a bad idea to stay around this summer instead of going to exotic places with exotic food and eally pig out on everything again. It seems to help to just have my simple environment, but this doesn't mean I'm not going to travel anymore. Am curious how things will be in the Ukraine at the end of this month.
And one thing I'm not really clear about right now - scales or not? Is it really motivating, or rather the opposite? Maybe I'll just stick to the once-a-month routine. Anyway I'm glad to be back here on my blog even if no one reads it. It's good for me to note my progress or how things are. So, dear diary, here I am!

so long ago...

2006-10-17T12:44:00.000-07:00

It's astounding how time flies. More than a month since I logegd in for the last time. This is probably because eating and food have become more and more of a routine... something I do to fuel my body and not so much anymore to stuff my feelings. Some things have happened that just feel amazing, let's see... I ordered the book "The Rosedale diet" and although it bears this D word it's quite interesting to read and makes sense. Fish, nuts and green veggies... why not... preparing fish has always been a bit of a challenge for me but I decided to give it a try, start with smoked trout and salmon for breakfast, have some chicken at lunch and either one or the other for dinner, or just a big salad. It does not feel like a food rut, probably because food has become less improtant in general and I don't wonder al lthe time what I should eat today to make it varied and not boring, etc.

I also read about Blake Donaldson and Dr Vilhjalmur Stefansson who spent a lot of time with the Inuit and lived on their diet for quite some time - without problems. He followed the same diet later on, closely monitored by scientists, who did not find anything wrong with him even after living off fish and meat only for a year. Here's a link that may be interesting: http://www.lowcarb.ca/atkins-diet-and-low-carb-plans/eskimo-diet-donaldson.html

I weighed myself once, on October 14, and liked the result wothout paying too much attention to it. Read another interesting book on body image (Astrid Longhurst: Body Confidence) that made a lot of sense as well... well, read a lot quite in general and had some exciting things happen in my life. The movie theater we went to for my son's birthday (me and six pre-teens and teenagers - we all enjoyed it) burnt down 15 minutes after we had left ("science fiction double feature..." no, it was two vampire movies) which kindof shook us all. Some things in life can happen so fast... puts other stuff in perspective in a way. One of my daughters started playing the harp and I joined her - now that was exciting, too, to start over and be an absolute beginner who doesn't even know how to put her thumb the right way. After having read "Machiavelli for Women", dared to talk about some things with my mother and the rest of my family, was honest and open instead of feeling anxious, "not-enough" and like the one black sheep who's always doing the weird things. It was there that I realized how food helped me to gobble down bad feelings, feelings of inadequateness, inappropriate behaviour and whatever. Finished several assignments for the two correspondence courses I'm doing (coaching and nutrition). Spent some time on Sunday and also some time tonight looking for (and finding) mushrooms and thoroughly enjoyed this... haven't been doing that since I was a child.

Well, that's it in a nutshell, to keep this blog updated. I really should have a look at Jimmy^s blog/s right now and see how he's doing. Will do that, so I'll stop here for tonight.

Quite generally speaking, life is much more fun right now - full of stuff as well, no time to get bored and think about food to fill a void. I feel much more alive than some time before, and I notice that it's almost a year now that I joined OA (October 22). This year has seen a lot of changes... even if I can't really follow all of OA's guidelines etc wholeheartedly, it has put a lot of things in motion, got me thinking and out of the rut, and that's something to be grateful for, anyway :-)

routine

2006-09-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

Time flies - I didn't realise it's been almost a week since I wrote last! The reason is that I have tried to catch up on reading, and have succeeded pretty well. Lots of diet books - just to stay informed a little bit, and maybe find some inspiration. I did find some reading "My Big Fat Greek Diet" - the metamorphosis this man went through is incredible. But I agree with him - it's important to change life as well. I think that being overweight may express a certain amount of unhappiness, although it's not always the case, so the underlying reasons need to get addressed instead of wanting a miracle cure to go on with the same stuff just weighing x kilograms less. This just does not work. I remember a woman I knew around here - she underwent gastric bypass and pretty much changed her life as well, for the next time I met her she was divorced. I have not heard from her ever since and probably won't run into her anymore around here, but it makes sense in a way.

What do I want in my life to change? Well, of course I keep thinking about going elsewhere. And I'm preparing the IELTS, stuff like that, becaus I know that once I'm 45 it will be too late to apply for a visa to immigrate to Oz... and I would regret not having tried, whatever the outcome will be. But let's stay realistic - if this does not work out, something else will, and I have learned that it is not always wise to keep pushing legs. But yes, a change of climate and mentality would be exciting... once more. We've been living in this house for 11 years now which is my absolute eprsonal record, so we'll see if we will top this :-) But on a more tangible level I have decided to go on with another study, and then will put that to work. Nutritional coaching, or something like that. Taking care of kids and house is a satisfying and rewarding task but it will not last - and I'm not counting on grandchildren to go on with it. So this is my personal project for change in my life - taking more charge of the rest of my life by making small and steady steps into that direction.

Anna seems to have decided to homeschool for two more years - until secondary school. Fine - if she accepts that I need time for myself, especially for studying and reading. I finished the book on Atkins Diet and Philosophy, by the way, which was a very inspiring read and at times downright funny. Now I have some Nietzsche books to go on with, which might be harder to swallow. But then I never have read much Nietzsche, maybe I will even like it and find it not hard at all. Next week will tell.

Another one was Mireille Guiliano - a real head-shaker, so to say. Incredible how someone can play on those old stereotypes, fill a whole book with it and still make money out of derivatives - there's even a web site on how to become a "French woman". Am I glad not to be one... but really, I'm glad to have it bought used, for one euro, and wouldn't have bought it in a shop. Some of what she writes makes sense, but it's been timeless wisdom like sitting down for meals, taking the stairs now and then, etc. No rocket science! This book is pretty close to what I wexpected from thumbing through it in a bookshop. Goodness, and so many recipes to pump some volume into it. Maybe I should jump on the bandwagon and write something about German women who are not fat and get what they aim for, some stuff like that - with all those philosophers as heritage. But no, that's not one of my priorities right now.

I read some more books on weight, body image etc but already put them in the shelves upstairs. Right now I'm devouring Charlotte Kasl's "Many Roads, One Journey" and the Nearings' "Good Life". Not totally on target with eating, but for the bigger picture. And really, eating becomes less important the more I concentrate on what I really would like for my life. Today we went to an open day at the school where they train guide dogs for bling people. They had some wonderful Linzertorte and I enjoyed one piece of it (not even a whole one as Huub took a hearty bite) but that was it, and I felt fine with that. Rather for the taste than to stuff myself. Whereas we were at David's place yesterday and the cake he served was yucky - probably store-bought marble cake. I took a thin slice and was not tempted at all after that one. I find I'm eating more selectively, in a way, this stuff is not beyond limits like I used to tell myself, maybe that's why it's not even that tempting to have it.

Weight-wise I stepped on the scales this morning (oops... I did it again, to say it with B.Sp.) well knowing that it's full moon which means my monthly time of feeling watery and a bi bloated, but anyway... it read 63.4 which is okay. My mother called me today and said that she weighed 50 kg, which ratehr scared me. She had mentioned that she had become pretty thin because she can't eat a lot of things anymore, and vomited a lot as well some time ago, but I had not expected her to be so light. I wonder how she looks... good that we're going there in two weeks because I feel that it might not be long anymore. But then, who knows. Sometimes the people who think they'll leave soon stay around the longest.

Anyway that's my little update, things are going o.k. and I wonder where I'll be in 25 weeks.

birthday

2006-09-04T23:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our birthday - five years difference but the same day. It was a nice day and I really enjoyed the cake although I felt it wasn't so important anymore to get my piece :-) the symbolic value was much more important. The "beschuit" was stale but the muisjes were as always. Maybe I'm just not into sweet stuff that much anymore.

I was told that family members worried about my being or becoming anorexic after having had a look at this blog. !? Maybe it's a good thing that we'll have a family reunion (my youngest brother's birthday) in less than three weeks so anyone who wants can have a good look at me and decide for him- or herself. Frankly I don't feel that this is an issue but would encourage open questions and talking about it instead of speculations.

Two weeks already!

2006-09-02T00:44:00.000-07:00

Hey, I made it - today is Saturday and I've done the two induction weeks - without even thinking too muchabout it, basically. maybe because I stopped noting my food, feeling that I knew what to eat and what not anyway - so why bother. I can't believe it! So where do I go from here - adding veggies bit by bit, probably. It's so ludicrous when I read how terribly dangerous this way is. I eman, even in those first two weeks nobody force-fed me with red meat (I wouldn't have bothered though as I still dream about having my own chef to be off prparing meals...:-), I had salad, I had eggs, I had white meat and not even that much, okay - a little more fish than when I'm eating "normally" because it's so easy to get full on staples. I really find that whenever I'm on low carb I'm watching much more what I eat and I eat healthier. So, hey, what a good way to start this day! Will see about the weight in a minute - has it made any difference?

Twenty minutes later: yes, it has made a difference. 62.8 kg! Another pleasant surprise this morning. Am already wodnering if I should make some kind of chart after all, get some graph paper from Friederike, or so. Will this be another motivator, or rather a stressor? Will find out about that.

Read the book by Dr. Nick, quite interesting... those before-after-pics are inspiring. Well, the gist of what he says is true, though... if you don't change fundamental things about your life, lifestyle, motivations, whatever, you can diet as long as you want to - after that, things will just fall back into place.

I think an eclectic mix of all the inspiring elements is the best strategy to adopt. From Brillat-Savarin's elegantly crafted phrases on fattening animals with starches to adopting regularity, digging out the real motivations and dreams, to mental ways to get in touch with the inner you... all this has its value and its worth, and the more it comes down to a holistic approach, the better.

Yesterday I sent off my inscription for becoming a food counselor. Have been thinking about that - is it feasible, and will it help me? The answers are yes. The course consists of nine lessons which I should be able to do, certainly if Anna goes to school, and also if she chooses to homeschool. So... I think it's a kind of completion of my different avenues - the diploma in home economics that I took in 1996, the aspect of coaching in general, my ongoing interest in food, nutrition and theoretical approaches... and I really would like to help people as far as this is possible because I know that this is an important issue for more and more people.

2006-08-31T00:04:00.000-07:00

The implant thing is going well, it's even less uncomfortable than the first time. I had my slice of trout this morning - no problems with chewing, though I probably stick to softer stuff over day and try the "Fleischkäse" only tonight.

Have been reading a book about mental barriers with losing weight which was very interesting. The differnt personality aspects who have a good intention when keeping you from losing weight, and how to figure them out. Have seen several good points there - one, and I think the most important one, is that my maternal grandmother always seemed to be a very bossy and big woman - and then, once she got sick (she died of cancer) she became very thin and frail, and apparently died soon afterwards. As I've heard this story many times from my mother (who, by the way, always has been "huggeable" and only now seems to have lost weight as well, at the age of 84) I think some of it may have gone into my subconscious. The good intention is, of course, to protect me from illess and premature death. But this can be reached - as far as possible - by other means as well. But, the resoning goes, as long as this aspect of my personality only knows one way to reach this goal it will stick to that - once it sees there are alternatives, it will switch to them if they are easier to apply, or without negative side effects (as other part being worried by this weight issue). It's a very interesting approach - anyway there is no one miracle cure but the best thing is probably a mix of methods that work for the individual situation.

update and recipes without pictures

2006-08-30T05:50:00.000-07:00

Have been to the dentist this morning, as well as yesterday morning, which led me to have a garlic soup from an old Atkins recipe book. Some stuff from that book was really nice, this one was so-so, didn't look very appetizing due to the egg yolks but at least I could just drink it with a straw. Anyway, there's something to say about recipe books that don't have those flashy, mouth-watering pictures every two or three pages. The imagination does not gete as lively (thus, bodily reactions stay moderate as well) and a lot is left to my imagination, if I want to use it. If I don't want to think about how this stuff will look on my plate I just go through the ingredients list and check if I like it, and then read the instructions to see if it's something easy and relatively quick (which is usually the case). Anyway, I feel that it's a lot easier to prepare meals this way... especially when thinking about how food, well, "food" has been prepared to look nice on pictures. No wonder that many times my results just don't look like the stuff from the books, but that's not a reason to worry (took me a long time to figure this out, but it's never too late!).
So, if the girls don't forget to bring some eggs on the way back from the pool, tonight I'll probably fix something easy to swallow... scrambled eggs or something else soft and light feels great.

Last night I talked with Friederike who came along wailing that her thighs were too fat, that she herself was too fat, whatever. Told her about the very simple formula of height in centimeters minus hundred - does it give your weight? Until there, nothing's wrong with your weight so please stop wailing. We turnde this into a calculation exercise by fantasizing about the weight of a leg, the approximative fat content, and then calculating this and also how many calories this means. It was pretty absurd but it made her use her maths a bit (school's starting next week) and also come to the conclusion that, well, she might walk a bit more often. maybe even to school, with her friend from the village, who also walks, instead of with her big sis who always wants to take a detour to meet with a friend of hers. Oh, girls! Anyway, I'd be glad if I had one drive less in the morning, especially sicne I keep telling them that incorporating a bit of natural exercise solves many problems...

XX Anonymous

2006-08-27T07:39:00.000-07:00

I have more and more trouble with that approach. At first it seemed like a panacea. And it definitely helped me making peace with some issues from the past - the ones that did not quite get resolved with Mme Czichon. Working through the steps was like a journey into myself. But the questions keep arising - most of all why it is necessary to do this as a lifetime project and keep seeing myself as diseased. I tend more towards the approach that an eating disorder can be overcome and that's it - now go on with your life. Also, the notion that this approach is for everyone, reardless of her situation, doesn't quite click. I know some folks who just keep having a hard time with parts of the approach, not only the Higher Power thing but also the powerlessness, the continuing confession, whatever. Also, it disgusted me when someone shared that being a sponsor, his sponsorees never really lasted long with him because he had such a matter-of-fact approach and told them in the face, etc. But anyway, the person who this was important for was himself, anyway. So his being tough with folks who might just be a bit hesitant to fully jump into this, and the very cool "take it or leave it" stuff were all for his benefit, not for anyone elses's. Made me think of Wendy Kaminer's book and how she basically goes on about the self-centeredness of the self help movement. Well, she's not wrong.

I kept all my stepwork and know that I have made some big steps in coming to terms with myself, my life, my relationship with other people. But in the end... it feels like "okay, that's been settled, now move on". Where to? Certainly not to going to a group at least once a week and even during holidays and vacation. Somehow this just doesn't feel right. And some people really seem to be addicted to being addicted, or to have their crutches ready all the time to avoid falling down when walking on their own. My, I still can get mean! (But then, I might be in denial big time, 12-steppers would say to me.) Maybe I'm already taking up too much time to think about food and nutrition and should rather spend it with other things... translating books and texts, pursuing my Australia project, homeschooling the little one (if this is what is best).

sunday afternoon thoughts

2006-08-27T07:30:00.000-07:00

Life is getting back to normal except that my cold persists. We're cleaning up the house and putting things back into their places, and I'm thinking about decluttering the household also can go together with decluttering the body. Hm. The other thing that I keep thinking about is the idea that being (respectively staying) slim needs to be learned because otherwise we just go back to our old habits, and our old self-image. It is a really interesting idea, and I should get into that - because even if I haven't felt much of the yo yo effect, it seems to be a problem for many people. So if this could help... because it's true, diets usually ound like fairy tales in that they never go past the "happy ending" when the prince kisses the princess or the dieter finally has reached the goal weight. But then? If the princess hasn't learned how to deal with toothpaste tops or socks lying around, or has no clue how to defend herself in a marital conflict, she'll just get frustrated. Ditto for the dieter who has no clue what to do with her self-perception that stays fat... even if her body is a svelte petite for the time being.

Cleaning up a bit of my stuff certainly helps to get a betetr overview. And what I wrote about clothes is true for food as well - the pretended sense of freedom about what I eat, or how much, just might dissimulate the fact that I miss freedom in other areas of my life. Maybe it's better to concentrate on those parts. I'll get my copy of "The good life" from upstairs and go on reading that.

Hm. Brunch today consisted of several slices of dried ham, the rest of yesterday's field salad, and some cheese. And a lot of coffee. We'll see about dinner.

family visit

2006-08-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, Huub's parents have come on Friday, together with two uncles and an aunt. Quite a lively crew, and easygoing. I kindof dreaded the food situation but wasn't really tempted by those Dutch pies. Was happy to have a coffee with everybody on Friday resp. a hot lemon on Saturday (feeling rotten as a result of this cold). Had some leftover chicken cacciatore for dinner on Friday and really enjoyed the Barbecue tonight, salads, meat, salads. Had to pick up everything and run inside for shelter as it started to rain. But anyway - food wise things are going pretty much okay. Have tried the tirami su that Friederike had prepared on Friday - she did a great job!

Have beenr eading several books, these last days, among them one on learning how to be thin. Interesting approach and aspect - it states that getting thin is important, okay, but then we need to have images and strategies prepared that make it possible to accept us as thin, and not as a hidden heavy person in a thin body. Never thought about that before but it makes some sense! How do I imagine my body once it is thin, how do I give myself permission to really lose all the weight I want or need, how do I find out which parts are sabotaging me and what reasons they have, etc. A lot of inner work as opposed to diets, around half an hour per day as the author states it. Might really be worth the effort!

to Basel

2006-08-26T00:47:00.000-07:00

made two trips to Basel, on two cosnecutive days, due to the car needing repair most urgently. Anyway, this showed me that eating can also be done on the go, more or less picknick like, and that's it - what a relieving thought. Why am I so occupied with cooking, planning etc at home and just take what's there, what is the best possible choice, when on the road? Sounds like a maximizer at home and a satisficer elsewhere, with a zest of a prefectionist when it comes to preparing the best food, the healthiest dish etc. Anyway - on Wednesday I went alone and hung aroun in the library and bookshop - with a late lunch at Ikea (salmon salad ans a book as a side dish), on Thursday Friederike came along and we had a good time. Had a coffee (resp. ice cream) in Weil, took the bus across the border, went to Fondation beyeler and enjoyed all the contemporary art, making jokes, trying to find explanations... then went to Riehen because we felt hungry, picked some things at Migros and had a pick nick on a bench. Dashed into the toy museum and then had a short walk across Hörnli cemetary (disappointing in a way... not inciting to dream or meditate about death, just very matter of fact).

irritated

2006-08-22T05:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, I admit that I feel more edgy than usual... where did I read that this has a lot to do with the release of toxins etc.? I surely hope that this is the reason, because I don't feel "nice" at all right now... yelling quite easily when things don't go the way I feel they should, etc. A lot has to do with pent-up anger, resentments that want to be released or resolved, etc. Well, I managed to express my frustration and turn those felings around today, which is good. But somehow I just miss the possibility of being able to turn to food as a consolation... just potentially... but using my reason I know that this is just nonsense and resolves nothing, so why start that stuff again.

Anyway, I feel that if I want to be serious about this, some of my attitudes and habits need to shift. Which might not be bad at all. Generally speaking, I'm reading a lot on recovery these days... to be exact, have been doing so since last October. It's very enlightening, and once again I saw that there is no one solution for everybody, but that I need to find out what is helpful for me. Find my own truth and not accept anything from anybody because it has worked for her or him. So, OA is just like a lot of other approaches that work in some aspects and don't work in others. Being accountable is a good thing, but in the long run the only thing that counts is being accountable to myself because I can't sever those ties. I could walk away from any virtual or tangible group if I felt it wasn't "my thing" anymore, but I'll always take myself along. So it comes down to doing what I feel is right, and being honest about it.

Am reading an interesting book on recovery, the usual approaches and the error to call an addiction a disease. Also including overeating, for example. Sounds promising... another very different angle that might help me formulate my sometimes queasy feelings about 12 step groups, the powerlessness and the higher power involved.

Well, what did I have yesterday?

Breakfast: 1 Fleischkàse, 1 egg
Lunch: picknick in Basel with Friederike: 150 g parmesan cheese, 1 trout
Dinner: 1 tomato, 3 endives with salmon, cream and butter cheese

And today:
Breakfast (lovingly prepared and served by Anna): 200 g of "Quark" (a kind of cottage cheese), 1 tomato, 1 espresso doppio
lunch: 1 Fleischkäse, 1 egg
dinner: omelett with 2 eggs and 100 g feta cheese, 2 cups of salad with 4 tsp olive oil, 2 tsp lemon juice
3 blackberries from our garden (yum)

The dentist appointment turned out to be next week... what a blunder. Seems I forgto to erase the initial entry after the changings that had been made and neglected to look on next week's page... so I'll see how I best deal with the potential "temptations" of Dutch pie!

a day out

2006-08-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

Today we went to the Europa Park, an amusement park, to celebrate Friederike's 12th birthday. Got up much too early for a Sunday (6:45), made some microwaved eggs (the recipe really works - thanks Jimmy) and left for a 90 minute drive to Germany. Things improved by and by... I could nod off in the car or alternatively go on reading my book; lunch was relatively easy (some mackerels in oil and Turkish sausage and a thermos with coffee); weather was great, sunny and warm, and - most important - the kids enjoyed it. There might be a bit of Europa Park saturation, so we decided to wait at least rwo years before going there again. I liked it in the beginning, but it all felt a bit too artificial and mass-marketed today. So I guess that's that...

As I went on reading, I kept asking myself - why am I doing this? Are my bad/grouchy mood and the weird feeling in the stomach the first signs of switching to another way of eating, or is it simply because I need to catch up on sleep and was tired? Anyway, I figured out that this time there are not even big obstacles... even though Huub's parents and aunts and uncles will come over the week end, surely bringing some great-tasting Dutch pies, I probably won't even be tempteed because I need to go to the dentist on Wednesday and Thursday. Wed to get off the wiring, Thu to have another implant. That covers the chapter "eating" for several days, as far as it went last time... which I don't mind, just like running around looking like I caught some blows on my cheek :-) Anyway, that's that... I remember this to be some dangerous moment in the past because wanting those pies and trying not to be the weird one all the time (ah, no, thanks - I don't eat anything with sugar) proved to be too much of a combination when I wasn't feeling sure about myself. Let's hope that all this internal work has changed some things, time will tell.

The other thing is our upcoming birthday on September 4th (this is not a pluralis majestatis but the fact that both Huub and me were born the same day)... first, that's still two weeks away and I think induction will have had its effect, second, if I don't bake a birthday cake probably no one will, which isn't a problem, except if it's in some way important for Huub, which I doubt. I'll play it by ear - better enjoy some really good lunch or dinner, it all depends on what we'll do. The older kids still have that day off (last free day before school starts again), if Anna decides to go back to school that would be her first day. If. Hmm, maybe some foie gras would be a good alternative to birthday cake!

With those two "obstacles" more or less out of the way, I feel pretty confident that things will work out this time. Two things I need to keep in mind... I won't make too many predictions and extrapolations this time, and I'll keep clear from the scales - wwon't get back into letting that thing dictate my mood for the day.

Oh, just for the statistics - dinner was a slice of "Fleischkäse" (no idea how to translate that one... nothing with cheese, though, but all meat) with an egg and some capsicum salad. I feel warm inside, full and satisfied - ah, the wonderful feeling to eat as much as I want without any bad conscience!

first steps

2006-08-19T07:19:00.001-07:00

Okay, so now it's for implementing these changes in my life... again. Did the weekly grocery shopping across the border (did I mention we live in France but only 25 km from the German and Swiss borders? it's very convenient at times) and stocked up on eggs, trout, herring and all those other wonderful things. When Huub proposed to have a BBQ tonight instead of cooking aomething, this fit perfectly with my project. Have been reading a bit more of Jimmy's blog, including book links and reviews. Sipped my coffee when sitting at the pc and found it surprisingly proteinized... the funny-feeling thing I had with the last sip was a dead fly, yikes. Well, what they call "Bush tucker" in Australia also consists of maggots and more... maybe next time over there I'll have the courage and occasion to try it. Have been reading some very interesting essays about dit and philosophical matters around food and eating... it's part of our Saturday ritual to stop by at an Italian ice cream place and café once the groceries have been loaded, so instead of my regular latte macchiato I stuck with espresso today while reading those essays. Inspiring!

Seems like Brillat Savarin, the famous French writer on taste and cuisine, developed some kind of proto-Atkins diet already in the 1800s, saying that if starches are being used to fatten up animals, the same will probably happen to humans. He advised people who wanted to lsoe weight to avoid starches, either in food or in drink (especially beer). Very interesting... I had always thought he was just another French guy getting into the details of everything, but this ounds so interesting that I need to check it for myself. Will order the book (Physiologie du goût) from amazon.fr and already enjoy broadening my horizon.

This makes me think of another book that I came across in Australia ("French Women don't get Fat")... I was amazed when I saw this in the book shops. I was sure that this book would never have been published in France, looking at the percentage of French women that are overweight (assuming that the 41.6 % of the French population that are overweight or obese can't just all be men) and found out that not only had it been published in France but that the title had been changed to "Those French women who don't gain weight - how do they do it?". To be honest, I oscillated from being absolutely devastated because it's so obviously false to being impressed by the author's recklessness. We all know that statistics are only partly reliable, but making a statement like that comes close to hypocrisy (with a pinch of arrogance and a zest of chauvinism). Seems that after eleven years, my being in love with France and the French has come to an end... it feels more and more freeing and less complicated to be in an English-speaking country. Lots to say about mentality issues, history, culture and the like, but this blog might not be the good place for that.

I don't feel too sure about listing every morsel I ate per day, because I usually get bored with that - unless I yak along about other things as well. So... breakfast has been a mozzarella cheese, lunch 2 eggs with bacon and some comté cheese, dinner...

Okay Jimmy you got me going...

2006-08-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

What a surprise. Woke up and made my way to the pc to retrieve this newsbit I remembered about more people being obese than hungry these days... just to check who said that and why... and find myself creating a blog to participate in the 30/30 weight challenge.
Now, thanks Jimmy, your name sounds familiar... I certainly have come across your blog before when inquiring about low carb. But who would have thought I'd actually get interactive with you? Funny how all paths seem to lead back to this way of eating that I discovered years ago, that worked well for me and that I left again, for some unfathomable reasons, only to regret this straying off. So maybe this is the moment to jump the bandwagon again. Will that mean to get out my scales again? To keep track of gains and losses? Maybe that, and surely more than that. I had started a French blog because I see eating, thinking and living according to my dreams as so intertwined that I wanted to keep track of them all, but this way to be accountable is even better. Thanks Jimmy for getting me started again - hope to get to know you better and have time to read through your blog in the days and weeks to come!

Some words about me, just for the record: I'll soon turn 43, am married to a great Dutch guy and have four wonderful children between 9 and 14, live currently in France (I'm Swiss and German) and am interested in a whole heap of things, among which are buying, reading and translating books, publishing newsletters, homeschooling my children, learning languages, crafts and occupations, traveling, noting down my projects, knowing more about philosophy and chemistry which both are equally fundamental to a meaningful life (among others)... and a lot of other things.
Although many people tell me that I'm not overweight and just should keep my mouth shut, I have been "feeling fat" since I realized I was a chubby child... apparently different from the others. From that resulted a history of trying whatever diet was available, with the most tangible result being an increased feeling of frustration and a deep insecurity about myself. Who am I, how do I define myself, what's the important thng - how I look or how I think? And of course - whom can I trust to tell me what's right for me? Can I trust in anybody, or do they all have a more or less hidden interest and just use me as a means, not as an end? Apparently thinking for myself was a crucial part in making peace with my body... so some day I set out to find about more on low carb plans. To my big surprise I saw that not only did it make me skinnier - the wonderful thing was that it blew away the foggy feeling that had been so familiar, the tiredness and irritability. We went camping in the French region of Dordogne the summer I started low carb (must have been 2002), and I fondly remember this vacation of being the most gourmet vacation I ever had... even with the very limited facilities of living in a small tent with 6 people during two weeks. I feasted on goose liver and French cheese, enjoyed salads of all kinds, created wonderful breakfasts from eggs and tomatoes, went out to restaurants and leaving them feeling wonderfully satiated... in short, a breeze!

So, you will ask (and I have asked that one, too), what happened? If this was so great, why did you change? The answer is easy... I just went back to my habitual life one day at a time. Little things slipped in, the habits were still too engrained in a way, and maybe above all, I felt that somehow, magically, things would just stay like that because I willed them to be. Of course this did not work. I learned that mistakes have their place in life, too, especially if you count them as experience and try to learn from them (and not make the same mistake twice, as there are so many of them around). I learned a lot about how body and mind work together, about psychological approaches to weight issues, I got active in various internet communities, resolved several important issues from my past, and now am ready to get serious about low carb again. I feel hat the roadblocks have been removed, my part of the kitchen cabinet has been cleared from stuf I do not need, and I'm motivated because I remember how I used to feel. Energized, vital, alive, powerful. I have just come back from another vacation that gave me lots of inspiration and projects for the future, and I feel like that again - full of energy, aware of the fact that there's a lot of new things I can do and new experiences, and I want to combine this with being physically energetic by keeping useless or even harmful stuff out of my body.

So, Jimmy, you really got me going. Thanks! I'm looking forward to this challenge and realize that there's only one person I can do this for: myself!

Oh, another thing I forgot: stats...
age: 42 years, 11 months, 15 days
height: 1 m 63, which must be 5.3 feet
current weight: 66 kg which is 145.5 pounds

Okay, folks, before anyone tells me that losing 30 pounds is harmful for my health, let me tell you this: I'm convinced that my body has her set point and knows best what suits her. So... I'm not "set" on any numeric goal to reach with lots of sweat (and lots of frustration in casse of failure) but will take this as the starting point to let my body regulate this herself. To help with this, I'll watch what I eat. The rest is open...