The implant thing is going well, it's even less uncomfortable than the first time. I had my slice of trout this morning - no problems with chewing, though I probably stick to softer stuff over day and try the "Fleischkäse" only tonight.

Have been reading a book about mental barriers with losing weight which was very interesting. The differnt personality aspects who have a good intention when keeping you from losing weight, and how to figure them out. Have seen several good points there - one, and I think the most important one, is that my maternal grandmother always seemed to be a very bossy and big woman - and then, once she got sick (she died of cancer) she became very thin and frail, and apparently died soon afterwards. As I've heard this story many times from my mother (who, by the way, always has been "huggeable" and only now seems to have lost weight as well, at the age of 84) I think some of it may have gone into my subconscious. The good intention is, of course, to protect me from illess and premature death. But this can be reached - as far as possible - by other means as well. But, the resoning goes, as long as this aspect of my personality only knows one way to reach this goal it will stick to that - once it sees there are alternatives, it will switch to them if they are easier to apply, or without negative side effects (as other part being worried by this weight issue). It's a very interesting approach - anyway there is no one miracle cure but the best thing is probably a mix of methods that work for the individual situation.

update and recipes without pictures

Have been to the dentist this morning, as well as yesterday morning, which led me to have a garlic soup from an old Atkins recipe book. Some stuff from that book was really nice, this one was so-so, didn't look very appetizing due to the egg yolks but at least I could just drink it with a straw. Anyway, there's something to say about recipe books that don't have those flashy, mouth-watering pictures every two or three pages. The imagination does not gete as lively (thus, bodily reactions stay moderate as well) and a lot is left to my imagination, if I want to use it. If I don't want to think about how this stuff will look on my plate I just go through the ingredients list and check if I like it, and then read the instructions to see if it's something easy and relatively quick (which is usually the case). Anyway, I feel that it's a lot easier to prepare meals this way... especially when thinking about how food, well, "food" has been prepared to look nice on pictures. No wonder that many times my results just don't look like the stuff from the books, but that's not a reason to worry (took me a long time to figure this out, but it's never too late!).
So, if the girls don't forget to bring some eggs on the way back from the pool, tonight I'll probably fix something easy to swallow... scrambled eggs or something else soft and light feels great.

Last night I talked with Friederike who came along wailing that her thighs were too fat, that she herself was too fat, whatever. Told her about the very simple formula of height in centimeters minus hundred - does it give your weight? Until there, nothing's wrong with your weight so please stop wailing. We turnde this into a calculation exercise by fantasizing about the weight of a leg, the approximative fat content, and then calculating this and also how many calories this means. It was pretty absurd but it made her use her maths a bit (school's starting next week) and also come to the conclusion that, well, she might walk a bit more often. maybe even to school, with her friend from the village, who also walks, instead of with her big sis who always wants to take a detour to meet with a friend of hers. Oh, girls! Anyway, I'd be glad if I had one drive less in the morning, especially sicne I keep telling them that incorporating a bit of natural exercise solves many problems...

XX Anonymous

I have more and more trouble with that approach. At first it seemed like a panacea. And it definitely helped me making peace with some issues from the past - the ones that did not quite get resolved with Mme Czichon. Working through the steps was like a journey into myself. But the questions keep arising - most of all why it is necessary to do this as a lifetime project and keep seeing myself as diseased. I tend more towards the approach that an eating disorder can be overcome and that's it - now go on with your life. Also, the notion that this approach is for everyone, reardless of her situation, doesn't quite click. I know some folks who just keep having a hard time with parts of the approach, not only the Higher Power thing but also the powerlessness, the continuing confession, whatever. Also, it disgusted me when someone shared that being a sponsor, his sponsorees never really lasted long with him because he had such a matter-of-fact approach and told them in the face, etc. But anyway, the person who this was important for was himself, anyway. So his being tough with folks who might just be a bit hesitant to fully jump into this, and the very cool "take it or leave it" stuff were all for his benefit, not for anyone elses's. Made me think of Wendy Kaminer's book and how she basically goes on about the self-centeredness of the self help movement. Well, she's not wrong.

I kept all my stepwork and know that I have made some big steps in coming to terms with myself, my life, my relationship with other people. But in the end... it feels like "okay, that's been settled, now move on". Where to? Certainly not to going to a group at least once a week and even during holidays and vacation. Somehow this just doesn't feel right. And some people really seem to be addicted to being addicted, or to have their crutches ready all the time to avoid falling down when walking on their own. My, I still can get mean! (But then, I might be in denial big time, 12-steppers would say to me.) Maybe I'm already taking up too much time to think about food and nutrition and should rather spend it with other things... translating books and texts, pursuing my Australia project, homeschooling the little one (if this is what is best).

sunday afternoon thoughts

Life is getting back to normal except that my cold persists. We're cleaning up the house and putting things back into their places, and I'm thinking about decluttering the household also can go together with decluttering the body. Hm. The other thing that I keep thinking about is the idea that being (respectively staying) slim needs to be learned because otherwise we just go back to our old habits, and our old self-image. It is a really interesting idea, and I should get into that - because even if I haven't felt much of the yo yo effect, it seems to be a problem for many people. So if this could help... because it's true, diets usually ound like fairy tales in that they never go past the "happy ending" when the prince kisses the princess or the dieter finally has reached the goal weight. But then? If the princess hasn't learned how to deal with toothpaste tops or socks lying around, or has no clue how to defend herself in a marital conflict, she'll just get frustrated. Ditto for the dieter who has no clue what to do with her self-perception that stays fat... even if her body is a svelte petite for the time being.

Cleaning up a bit of my stuff certainly helps to get a betetr overview. And what I wrote about clothes is true for food as well - the pretended sense of freedom about what I eat, or how much, just might dissimulate the fact that I miss freedom in other areas of my life. Maybe it's better to concentrate on those parts. I'll get my copy of "The good life" from upstairs and go on reading that.

Hm. Brunch today consisted of several slices of dried ham, the rest of yesterday's field salad, and some cheese. And a lot of coffee. We'll see about dinner.

family visit

Okay, Huub's parents have come on Friday, together with two uncles and an aunt. Quite a lively crew, and easygoing. I kindof dreaded the food situation but wasn't really tempted by those Dutch pies. Was happy to have a coffee with everybody on Friday resp. a hot lemon on Saturday (feeling rotten as a result of this cold). Had some leftover chicken cacciatore for dinner on Friday and really enjoyed the Barbecue tonight, salads, meat, salads. Had to pick up everything and run inside for shelter as it started to rain. But anyway - food wise things are going pretty much okay. Have tried the tirami su that Friederike had prepared on Friday - she did a great job!

Have beenr eading several books, these last days, among them one on learning how to be thin. Interesting approach and aspect - it states that getting thin is important, okay, but then we need to have images and strategies prepared that make it possible to accept us as thin, and not as a hidden heavy person in a thin body. Never thought about that before but it makes some sense! How do I imagine my body once it is thin, how do I give myself permission to really lose all the weight I want or need, how do I find out which parts are sabotaging me and what reasons they have, etc. A lot of inner work as opposed to diets, around half an hour per day as the author states it. Might really be worth the effort!

to Basel

made two trips to Basel, on two cosnecutive days, due to the car needing repair most urgently. Anyway, this showed me that eating can also be done on the go, more or less picknick like, and that's it - what a relieving thought. Why am I so occupied with cooking, planning etc at home and just take what's there, what is the best possible choice, when on the road? Sounds like a maximizer at home and a satisficer elsewhere, with a zest of a prefectionist when it comes to preparing the best food, the healthiest dish etc. Anyway - on Wednesday I went alone and hung aroun in the library and bookshop - with a late lunch at Ikea (salmon salad ans a book as a side dish), on Thursday Friederike came along and we had a good time. Had a coffee (resp. ice cream) in Weil, took the bus across the border, went to Fondation beyeler and enjoyed all the contemporary art, making jokes, trying to find explanations... then went to Riehen because we felt hungry, picked some things at Migros and had a pick nick on a bench. Dashed into the toy museum and then had a short walk across Hörnli cemetary (disappointing in a way... not inciting to dream or meditate about death, just very matter of fact).

irritated

Okay, I admit that I feel more edgy than usual... where did I read that this has a lot to do with the release of toxins etc.? I surely hope that this is the reason, because I don't feel "nice" at all right now... yelling quite easily when things don't go the way I feel they should, etc. A lot has to do with pent-up anger, resentments that want to be released or resolved, etc. Well, I managed to express my frustration and turn those felings around today, which is good. But somehow I just miss the possibility of being able to turn to food as a consolation... just potentially... but using my reason I know that this is just nonsense and resolves nothing, so why start that stuff again.

Anyway, I feel that if I want to be serious about this, some of my attitudes and habits need to shift. Which might not be bad at all. Generally speaking, I'm reading a lot on recovery these days... to be exact, have been doing so since last October. It's very enlightening, and once again I saw that there is no one solution for everybody, but that I need to find out what is helpful for me. Find my own truth and not accept anything from anybody because it has worked for her or him. So, OA is just like a lot of other approaches that work in some aspects and don't work in others. Being accountable is a good thing, but in the long run the only thing that counts is being accountable to myself because I can't sever those ties. I could walk away from any virtual or tangible group if I felt it wasn't "my thing" anymore, but I'll always take myself along. So it comes down to doing what I feel is right, and being honest about it.

Am reading an interesting book on recovery, the usual approaches and the error to call an addiction a disease. Also including overeating, for example. Sounds promising... another very different angle that might help me formulate my sometimes queasy feelings about 12 step groups, the powerlessness and the higher power involved.

Well, what did I have yesterday?

Breakfast: 1 Fleischkàse, 1 egg
Lunch: picknick in Basel with Friederike: 150 g parmesan cheese, 1 trout
Dinner: 1 tomato, 3 endives with salmon, cream and butter cheese

And today:
Breakfast (lovingly prepared and served by Anna): 200 g of "Quark" (a kind of cottage cheese), 1 tomato, 1 espresso doppio
lunch: 1 Fleischkäse, 1 egg
dinner: omelett with 2 eggs and 100 g feta cheese, 2 cups of salad with 4 tsp olive oil, 2 tsp lemon juice
3 blackberries from our garden (yum)

The dentist appointment turned out to be next week... what a blunder. Seems I forgto to erase the initial entry after the changings that had been made and neglected to look on next week's page... so I'll see how I best deal with the potential "temptations" of Dutch pie!

a day out

Today we went to the Europa Park, an amusement park, to celebrate Friederike's 12th birthday. Got up much too early for a Sunday (6:45), made some microwaved eggs (the recipe really works - thanks Jimmy) and left for a 90 minute drive to Germany. Things improved by and by... I could nod off in the car or alternatively go on reading my book; lunch was relatively easy (some mackerels in oil and Turkish sausage and a thermos with coffee); weather was great, sunny and warm, and - most important - the kids enjoyed it. There might be a bit of Europa Park saturation, so we decided to wait at least rwo years before going there again. I liked it in the beginning, but it all felt a bit too artificial and mass-marketed today. So I guess that's that...

As I went on reading, I kept asking myself - why am I doing this? Are my bad/grouchy mood and the weird feeling in the stomach the first signs of switching to another way of eating, or is it simply because I need to catch up on sleep and was tired? Anyway, I figured out that this time there are not even big obstacles... even though Huub's parents and aunts and uncles will come over the week end, surely bringing some great-tasting Dutch pies, I probably won't even be tempteed because I need to go to the dentist on Wednesday and Thursday. Wed to get off the wiring, Thu to have another implant. That covers the chapter "eating" for several days, as far as it went last time... which I don't mind, just like running around looking like I caught some blows on my cheek :-) Anyway, that's that... I remember this to be some dangerous moment in the past because wanting those pies and trying not to be the weird one all the time (ah, no, thanks - I don't eat anything with sugar) proved to be too much of a combination when I wasn't feeling sure about myself. Let's hope that all this internal work has changed some things, time will tell.

The other thing is our upcoming birthday on September 4th (this is not a pluralis majestatis but the fact that both Huub and me were born the same day)... first, that's still two weeks away and I think induction will have had its effect, second, if I don't bake a birthday cake probably no one will, which isn't a problem, except if it's in some way important for Huub, which I doubt. I'll play it by ear - better enjoy some really good lunch or dinner, it all depends on what we'll do. The older kids still have that day off (last free day before school starts again), if Anna decides to go back to school that would be her first day. If. Hmm, maybe some foie gras would be a good alternative to birthday cake!

With those two "obstacles" more or less out of the way, I feel pretty confident that things will work out this time. Two things I need to keep in mind... I won't make too many predictions and extrapolations this time, and I'll keep clear from the scales - wwon't get back into letting that thing dictate my mood for the day.

Oh, just for the statistics - dinner was a slice of "Fleischkäse" (no idea how to translate that one... nothing with cheese, though, but all meat) with an egg and some capsicum salad. I feel warm inside, full and satisfied - ah, the wonderful feeling to eat as much as I want without any bad conscience!

first steps

Okay, so now it's for implementing these changes in my life... again. Did the weekly grocery shopping across the border (did I mention we live in France but only 25 km from the German and Swiss borders? it's very convenient at times) and stocked up on eggs, trout, herring and all those other wonderful things. When Huub proposed to have a BBQ tonight instead of cooking aomething, this fit perfectly with my project. Have been reading a bit more of Jimmy's blog, including book links and reviews. Sipped my coffee when sitting at the pc and found it surprisingly proteinized... the funny-feeling thing I had with the last sip was a dead fly, yikes. Well, what they call "Bush tucker" in Australia also consists of maggots and more... maybe next time over there I'll have the courage and occasion to try it. Have been reading some very interesting essays about dit and philosophical matters around food and eating... it's part of our Saturday ritual to stop by at an Italian ice cream place and café once the groceries have been loaded, so instead of my regular latte macchiato I stuck with espresso today while reading those essays. Inspiring!

Seems like Brillat Savarin, the famous French writer on taste and cuisine, developed some kind of proto-Atkins diet already in the 1800s, saying that if starches are being used to fatten up animals, the same will probably happen to humans. He advised people who wanted to lsoe weight to avoid starches, either in food or in drink (especially beer). Very interesting... I had always thought he was just another French guy getting into the details of everything, but this ounds so interesting that I need to check it for myself. Will order the book (Physiologie du goût) from amazon.fr and already enjoy broadening my horizon.

This makes me think of another book that I came across in Australia ("French Women don't get Fat")... I was amazed when I saw this in the book shops. I was sure that this book would never have been published in France, looking at the percentage of French women that are overweight (assuming that the 41.6 % of the French population that are overweight or obese can't just all be men) and found out that not only had it been published in France but that the title had been changed to "Those French women who don't gain weight - how do they do it?". To be honest, I oscillated from being absolutely devastated because it's so obviously false to being impressed by the author's recklessness. We all know that statistics are only partly reliable, but making a statement like that comes close to hypocrisy (with a pinch of arrogance and a zest of chauvinism). Seems that after eleven years, my being in love with France and the French has come to an end... it feels more and more freeing and less complicated to be in an English-speaking country. Lots to say about mentality issues, history, culture and the like, but this blog might not be the good place for that.

I don't feel too sure about listing every morsel I ate per day, because I usually get bored with that - unless I yak along about other things as well. So... breakfast has been a mozzarella cheese, lunch 2 eggs with bacon and some comté cheese, dinner...

Okay Jimmy you got me going...

What a surprise. Woke up and made my way to the pc to retrieve this newsbit I remembered about more people being obese than hungry these days... just to check who said that and why... and find myself creating a blog to participate in the 30/30 weight challenge.
Now, thanks Jimmy, your name sounds familiar... I certainly have come across your blog before when inquiring about low carb. But who would have thought I'd actually get interactive with you? Funny how all paths seem to lead back to this way of eating that I discovered years ago, that worked well for me and that I left again, for some unfathomable reasons, only to regret this straying off. So maybe this is the moment to jump the bandwagon again. Will that mean to get out my scales again? To keep track of gains and losses? Maybe that, and surely more than that. I had started a French blog because I see eating, thinking and living according to my dreams as so intertwined that I wanted to keep track of them all, but this way to be accountable is even better. Thanks Jimmy for getting me started again - hope to get to know you better and have time to read through your blog in the days and weeks to come!

Some words about me, just for the record: I'll soon turn 43, am married to a great Dutch guy and have four wonderful children between 9 and 14, live currently in France (I'm Swiss and German) and am interested in a whole heap of things, among which are buying, reading and translating books, publishing newsletters, homeschooling my children, learning languages, crafts and occupations, traveling, noting down my projects, knowing more about philosophy and chemistry which both are equally fundamental to a meaningful life (among others)... and a lot of other things.
Although many people tell me that I'm not overweight and just should keep my mouth shut, I have been "feeling fat" since I realized I was a chubby child... apparently different from the others. From that resulted a history of trying whatever diet was available, with the most tangible result being an increased feeling of frustration and a deep insecurity about myself. Who am I, how do I define myself, what's the important thng - how I look or how I think? And of course - whom can I trust to tell me what's right for me? Can I trust in anybody, or do they all have a more or less hidden interest and just use me as a means, not as an end? Apparently thinking for myself was a crucial part in making peace with my body... so some day I set out to find about more on low carb plans. To my big surprise I saw that not only did it make me skinnier - the wonderful thing was that it blew away the foggy feeling that had been so familiar, the tiredness and irritability. We went camping in the French region of Dordogne the summer I started low carb (must have been 2002), and I fondly remember this vacation of being the most gourmet vacation I ever had... even with the very limited facilities of living in a small tent with 6 people during two weeks. I feasted on goose liver and French cheese, enjoyed salads of all kinds, created wonderful breakfasts from eggs and tomatoes, went out to restaurants and leaving them feeling wonderfully satiated... in short, a breeze!

So, you will ask (and I have asked that one, too), what happened? If this was so great, why did you change? The answer is easy... I just went back to my habitual life one day at a time. Little things slipped in, the habits were still too engrained in a way, and maybe above all, I felt that somehow, magically, things would just stay like that because I willed them to be. Of course this did not work. I learned that mistakes have their place in life, too, especially if you count them as experience and try to learn from them (and not make the same mistake twice, as there are so many of them around). I learned a lot about how body and mind work together, about psychological approaches to weight issues, I got active in various internet communities, resolved several important issues from my past, and now am ready to get serious about low carb again. I feel hat the roadblocks have been removed, my part of the kitchen cabinet has been cleared from stuf I do not need, and I'm motivated because I remember how I used to feel. Energized, vital, alive, powerful. I have just come back from another vacation that gave me lots of inspiration and projects for the future, and I feel like that again - full of energy, aware of the fact that there's a lot of new things I can do and new experiences, and I want to combine this with being physically energetic by keeping useless or even harmful stuff out of my body.

So, Jimmy, you really got me going. Thanks! I'm looking forward to this challenge and realize that there's only one person I can do this for: myself!

Oh, another thing I forgot: stats...
age: 42 years, 11 months, 15 days
height: 1 m 63, which must be 5.3 feet
current weight: 66 kg which is 145.5 pounds

Okay, folks, before anyone tells me that losing 30 pounds is harmful for my health, let me tell you this: I'm convinced that my body has her set point and knows best what suits her. So... I'm not "set" on any numeric goal to reach with lots of sweat (and lots of frustration in casse of failure) but will take this as the starting point to let my body regulate this herself. To help with this, I'll watch what I eat. The rest is open...