Easter obstacle

Okay, I admit it - Easter was a heavy blow because I had just bought one thing on purpose but that thing was made of genuine Swiss chocolate and almonds. And as tis was a really good one, I wanted to have a piece of it, too. And a piece of the home made almond Easter cake. Okay, okay, all the sweets have been eaten, and now it's back to normal, with lots of hard boiled eggs and Russian recipes to try. The first one - okroshka - turned out pretty okay, for the rest I'm feasting on cole slaw and herring, and eggs of course. I decided to become a bit more frugal cutting carbs and concentrate more on eggs and fish, not as much meat. It really is a visible part of the budget, and for a month or so I want to see if my eating less will make a difference.

resolution

Okay, I need resolution. And I made one.
When travelling, I will not go to big lengths to stay low carb, I'll see what is around but I'll keep a low profile. Right now the feelings of my hosts are more important than my adhereing to a "religion", and I'm sure that being basically true to the low carb rules are okay even if there might be a week in Ukraine where things just go different. Or a week end in Germany.
When I'm home, or travelling with my family, things are fine. And that is most of the time.
So, this is just some small exception. And I write it down here in order to avoid unnecessary complications, feeling guilty or whatever.
Okay, done! Anyway they might have some great meat dishes in Ukraine... :-)

On the wagon again

Woo-hoo, I'm back... hopefully back on track, hopefully for long. I really fell off the wagon big time and hated it more and more, after some time of indulging. I spent a week in germany early November, and said to me "what the heck... thsoe delicious German rolls... it will just be a week". Turned out, it wasn't. After I got home again, it was "oh, just this last one xx", and after some more time, "anyway, I let it all go and turn to waste... what's the use...", and frustration building up. Okay, digging into the chocolate felt good, like no limits, no dos and don'ts, a kind of rebellious freedom and independence. As long as the clothes still fit. The thing was, after some time they only fit pretty tightly. I still can wear my old jeans but there's practically no space anymore, whereas I was so proud that they were rather loose on me. Hm. And eating lots of chocolate just felt "normal" after some time, not liberating but rather... like a stubborn child. I gotta have this even if it's not good for me, who cares. All this contributed to my feeling less than great during the pst weeks/months, and with lent coming along and all the stories they made about it here (for the children) I thought that it might not be a bad idea to fast on carbs instead of feasting. And since I'm back from Germany (another trip) and home again, I think I'm back on track. I started eating really low carb again on Sunday (came back Saturday). Just some days now, okay, but the fact that Huub said he'd join me, just for a week, was pretty encouraging! So we're in this together, at least this week. I should be back in the routine well enough after that, but you never know...
So I guess it's not a bad idea to stay around this summer instead of going to exotic places with exotic food and eally pig out on everything again. It seems to help to just have my simple environment, but this doesn't mean I'm not going to travel anymore. Am curious how things will be in the Ukraine at the end of this month.
And one thing I'm not really clear about right now - scales or not? Is it really motivating, or rather the opposite? Maybe I'll just stick to the once-a-month routine. Anyway I'm glad to be back here on my blog even if no one reads it. It's good for me to note my progress or how things are. So, dear diary, here I am!

so long ago...

It's astounding how time flies. More than a month since I logegd in for the last time. This is probably because eating and food have become more and more of a routine... something I do to fuel my body and not so much anymore to stuff my feelings. Some things have happened that just feel amazing, let's see... I ordered the book "The Rosedale diet" and although it bears this D word it's quite interesting to read and makes sense. Fish, nuts and green veggies... why not... preparing fish has always been a bit of a challenge for me but I decided to give it a try, start with smoked trout and salmon for breakfast, have some chicken at lunch and either one or the other for dinner, or just a big salad. It does not feel like a food rut, probably because food has become less improtant in general and I don't wonder al lthe time what I should eat today to make it varied and not boring, etc.

I also read about Blake Donaldson and Dr Vilhjalmur Stefansson who spent a lot of time with the Inuit and lived on their diet for quite some time - without problems. He followed the same diet later on, closely monitored by scientists, who did not find anything wrong with him even after living off fish and meat only for a year. Here's a link that may be interesting: http://www.lowcarb.ca/atkins-diet-and-low-carb-plans/eskimo-diet-donaldson.html

I weighed myself once, on October 14, and liked the result wothout paying too much attention to it. Read another interesting book on body image (Astrid Longhurst: Body Confidence) that made a lot of sense as well... well, read a lot quite in general and had some exciting things happen in my life. The movie theater we went to for my son's birthday (me and six pre-teens and teenagers - we all enjoyed it) burnt down 15 minutes after we had left ("science fiction double feature..." no, it was two vampire movies) which kindof shook us all. Some things in life can happen so fast... puts other stuff in perspective in a way. One of my daughters started playing the harp and I joined her - now that was exciting, too, to start over and be an absolute beginner who doesn't even know how to put her thumb the right way. After having read "Machiavelli for Women", dared to talk about some things with my mother and the rest of my family, was honest and open instead of feeling anxious, "not-enough" and like the one black sheep who's always doing the weird things. It was there that I realized how food helped me to gobble down bad feelings, feelings of inadequateness, inappropriate behaviour and whatever. Finished several assignments for the two correspondence courses I'm doing (coaching and nutrition). Spent some time on Sunday and also some time tonight looking for (and finding) mushrooms and thoroughly enjoyed this... haven't been doing that since I was a child.

Well, that's it in a nutshell, to keep this blog updated. I really should have a look at Jimmy^s blog/s right now and see how he's doing. Will do that, so I'll stop here for tonight.

Quite generally speaking, life is much more fun right now - full of stuff as well, no time to get bored and think about food to fill a void. I feel much more alive than some time before, and I notice that it's almost a year now that I joined OA (October 22). This year has seen a lot of changes... even if I can't really follow all of OA's guidelines etc wholeheartedly, it has put a lot of things in motion, got me thinking and out of the rut, and that's something to be grateful for, anyway :-)

routine

Time flies - I didn't realise it's been almost a week since I wrote last! The reason is that I have tried to catch up on reading, and have succeeded pretty well. Lots of diet books - just to stay informed a little bit, and maybe find some inspiration. I did find some reading "My Big Fat Greek Diet" - the metamorphosis this man went through is incredible. But I agree with him - it's important to change life as well. I think that being overweight may express a certain amount of unhappiness, although it's not always the case, so the underlying reasons need to get addressed instead of wanting a miracle cure to go on with the same stuff just weighing x kilograms less. This just does not work. I remember a woman I knew around here - she underwent gastric bypass and pretty much changed her life as well, for the next time I met her she was divorced. I have not heard from her ever since and probably won't run into her anymore around here, but it makes sense in a way.

What do I want in my life to change? Well, of course I keep thinking about going elsewhere. And I'm preparing the IELTS, stuff like that, becaus I know that once I'm 45 it will be too late to apply for a visa to immigrate to Oz... and I would regret not having tried, whatever the outcome will be. But let's stay realistic - if this does not work out, something else will, and I have learned that it is not always wise to keep pushing legs. But yes, a change of climate and mentality would be exciting... once more. We've been living in this house for 11 years now which is my absolute eprsonal record, so we'll see if we will top this :-) But on a more tangible level I have decided to go on with another study, and then will put that to work. Nutritional coaching, or something like that. Taking care of kids and house is a satisfying and rewarding task but it will not last - and I'm not counting on grandchildren to go on with it. So this is my personal project for change in my life - taking more charge of the rest of my life by making small and steady steps into that direction.

Anna seems to have decided to homeschool for two more years - until secondary school. Fine - if she accepts that I need time for myself, especially for studying and reading. I finished the book on Atkins Diet and Philosophy, by the way, which was a very inspiring read and at times downright funny. Now I have some Nietzsche books to go on with, which might be harder to swallow. But then I never have read much Nietzsche, maybe I will even like it and find it not hard at all. Next week will tell.

Another one was Mireille Guiliano - a real head-shaker, so to say. Incredible how someone can play on those old stereotypes, fill a whole book with it and still make money out of derivatives - there's even a web site on how to become a "French woman". Am I glad not to be one... but really, I'm glad to have it bought used, for one euro, and wouldn't have bought it in a shop. Some of what she writes makes sense, but it's been timeless wisdom like sitting down for meals, taking the stairs now and then, etc. No rocket science! This book is pretty close to what I wexpected from thumbing through it in a bookshop. Goodness, and so many recipes to pump some volume into it. Maybe I should jump on the bandwagon and write something about German women who are not fat and get what they aim for, some stuff like that - with all those philosophers as heritage. But no, that's not one of my priorities right now.

I read some more books on weight, body image etc but already put them in the shelves upstairs. Right now I'm devouring Charlotte Kasl's "Many Roads, One Journey" and the Nearings' "Good Life". Not totally on target with eating, but for the bigger picture. And really, eating becomes less important the more I concentrate on what I really would like for my life. Today we went to an open day at the school where they train guide dogs for bling people. They had some wonderful Linzertorte and I enjoyed one piece of it (not even a whole one as Huub took a hearty bite) but that was it, and I felt fine with that. Rather for the taste than to stuff myself. Whereas we were at David's place yesterday and the cake he served was yucky - probably store-bought marble cake. I took a thin slice and was not tempted at all after that one. I find I'm eating more selectively, in a way, this stuff is not beyond limits like I used to tell myself, maybe that's why it's not even that tempting to have it.

Weight-wise I stepped on the scales this morning (oops... I did it again, to say it with B.Sp.) well knowing that it's full moon which means my monthly time of feeling watery and a bi bloated, but anyway... it read 63.4 which is okay. My mother called me today and said that she weighed 50 kg, which ratehr scared me. She had mentioned that she had become pretty thin because she can't eat a lot of things anymore, and vomited a lot as well some time ago, but I had not expected her to be so light. I wonder how she looks... good that we're going there in two weeks because I feel that it might not be long anymore. But then, who knows. Sometimes the people who think they'll leave soon stay around the longest.

Anyway that's my little update, things are going o.k. and I wonder where I'll be in 25 weeks.

birthday

Yesterday was our birthday - five years difference but the same day. It was a nice day and I really enjoyed the cake although I felt it wasn't so important anymore to get my piece :-) the symbolic value was much more important. The "beschuit" was stale but the muisjes were as always. Maybe I'm just not into sweet stuff that much anymore.

I was told that family members worried about my being or becoming anorexic after having had a look at this blog. !? Maybe it's a good thing that we'll have a family reunion (my youngest brother's birthday) in less than three weeks so anyone who wants can have a good look at me and decide for him- or herself. Frankly I don't feel that this is an issue but would encourage open questions and talking about it instead of speculations.

Two weeks already!

Hey, I made it - today is Saturday and I've done the two induction weeks - without even thinking too muchabout it, basically. maybe because I stopped noting my food, feeling that I knew what to eat and what not anyway - so why bother. I can't believe it! So where do I go from here - adding veggies bit by bit, probably. It's so ludicrous when I read how terribly dangerous this way is. I eman, even in those first two weeks nobody force-fed me with red meat (I wouldn't have bothered though as I still dream about having my own chef to be off prparing meals...:-), I had salad, I had eggs, I had white meat and not even that much, okay - a little more fish than when I'm eating "normally" because it's so easy to get full on staples. I really find that whenever I'm on low carb I'm watching much more what I eat and I eat healthier. So, hey, what a good way to start this day! Will see about the weight in a minute - has it made any difference?

Twenty minutes later: yes, it has made a difference. 62.8 kg! Another pleasant surprise this morning. Am already wodnering if I should make some kind of chart after all, get some graph paper from Friederike, or so. Will this be another motivator, or rather a stressor? Will find out about that.

Read the book by Dr. Nick, quite interesting... those before-after-pics are inspiring. Well, the gist of what he says is true, though... if you don't change fundamental things about your life, lifestyle, motivations, whatever, you can diet as long as you want to - after that, things will just fall back into place.

I think an eclectic mix of all the inspiring elements is the best strategy to adopt. From Brillat-Savarin's elegantly crafted phrases on fattening animals with starches to adopting regularity, digging out the real motivations and dreams, to mental ways to get in touch with the inner you... all this has its value and its worth, and the more it comes down to a holistic approach, the better.

Yesterday I sent off my inscription for becoming a food counselor. Have been thinking about that - is it feasible, and will it help me? The answers are yes. The course consists of nine lessons which I should be able to do, certainly if Anna goes to school, and also if she chooses to homeschool. So... I think it's a kind of completion of my different avenues - the diploma in home economics that I took in 1996, the aspect of coaching in general, my ongoing interest in food, nutrition and theoretical approaches... and I really would like to help people as far as this is possible because I know that this is an important issue for more and more people.